Wise Vampire

Part 34 of my third global warming science fiction novel “Last Week”. Link to Part 1: “Back To Paradise Era”.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15 2023 11:25 A.M.

Satoshi had come back to his apartment. He wanted to look in Angel’s room, check if she was really gone. But at the same time, he was afraid to do so. He didn’t have much hope that she would still be there. But he dreaded the moment where he got the final confirmation. Her pajamas would be left in the bed, he supposed.

Also, he wanted to get this World-saving business done as fast as possible, so he could go back to his usual life of leisure and creativity. The main question was not if he could save the World. Of course he could. The main question was if he needed to come out as the World’s richest person for the purpose. He wanted to find out soon.

So he sat down at his computer, ready to post on Angel’s blog. She had left him with the necessary passwords for that and for her Twitter feed.

Just as he was ready to write his first post, all of a sudden there was an ear-shattering sound of thunder, right in his living room. Satoshi jumped in his seat, holding his ears. Then Khalmorot appeared right before his eyes.

Satoshi had seen him only once, in that dream over a decade ago. Now he saw him for the first time while awake.

“Hi, Satoshi. It’s been a while. How are you doing?” Khalmorot asked in the same voice he had used before. But this time he had the appearance of a famous soccer player, wearing a uniform with the number 10. Satoshi was not interested in soccer, but even he had seen that player in some commercials before.

“Khalmorot?” Satoshi said, still slightly stunned.

“Yes. I need to talk to you.”

“Go ahead. And thank you for the Bitcoin network and the Perfect Purse, if I may say so.”

“You’re welcome. I needed you to become extremely rich for exactly this moment. You need to help deflect Moros 27. It would not do at all to have it hit Earth.”

“I was going to do that anyway,” Satoshi said. “I promised Angel I would.”

“Ah, Angel,” Khalmorot said, smiling. “She’s cute, isn’t she? You were lying when you said you don’t love her.”

“I was,” Satoshi said. “I have to admit it. But I don’t think she believed me. We’re two of a kind. She knows my feelings. She doesn’t even need to activate the Glaring Glasses for that.”

“It’s too bad she’s gone,” Khalmorot said. “But I didn’t come to talk about Angel. I need to talk to you about the Wise Vampire.”

Khalmorot changed his appearance slightly. All of a sudden, two of his front teeth increased greatly in length, protruding out of his mouth, vampire-like. For good measure, dark traces of blood were clearly visible on his vampire fangs. They were a deep black color. The blood must have dried completely already. It looked rather strange on a famous soccer player. Actually it looked ridiculous.

“What are you talking about? Wise Vampire? Is that another gadget?” Satoshi said.

“No. It’s just another metaphor,” Khalmorot said.

“I don’t get it.”

“Listen. You want eighty percent of the oil to stay in the ground, don’t you?”

“Yes. Of course. That’s what needs to happen.”

“And you want to make it happen with your Buy&Hoard fund idea?” Khalmorot said.

“Yes. That’s the idea. I’m about to find out if it actually works.”

“The Wise Vampire is just an addition to that concept. Tell me, what do vampires do?”

“Vampires? They are always sucking blood. That’s a strange taste, of course. I mean, with all the great food available in our Paradise Era, why would anyone want to drink rare human blood instead of eating some sweet and sour pork or weisswurst? These vampires have rather strange taste, in my opinion,” Satoshi said.

“They sure have,” Khalmorot said. “But not the Wise Vampire. He doesn’t suck blood. He sucks oil. Did you note how my fangs have black stains? That’s because I just came from the Canadian tar sands and had some heavy crude oil. Tastes excellent! You must try it once. It’s much better than human blood. It sure is.”

Satoshi imagined for a moment turning into a vampire and sucking oil. The idea didn’t appeal to him. It rather turned his stomach.

“That’s a crazy idea,” Satoshi said. “Of course the idea of vampires is crazy to begin with.”

“Listen. You are going to tell the World that if humanity doesn’t start Buy&Hoard on a big scale, the Wise Vampire will start sucking up your oil reserves. He’s going to visit all the oil fields, and all of a sudden, eighty percent of the oil will be gone from one day to the next,” Khalmorot said.

“But no one will believe me,” Satoshi said.

“Of course. People only believe in real vampires. It makes much more sense to suck blood.”

“Actually, that doesn’t make sense either.”

“See my point?”


“It doesn’t matter if the story makes sense. The only thing that matters is that it is a powerful metaphor. You could pay someone to write a book about the Wise Vampire. You could write it yourself. You could have someone make an animated movie about it.”

“So, you want me to threaten humanity? If they don’t join the Buy&Hoard movement, or try to stop it with some antitrust regulation, they will lose eighty percent of the oil anyway to the Wise Vampire? That’s my story?” Satoshi said.

“Exactly,” Khalmorot said. “You have until September 27 of this year. The Wise Vampire will strike in the night of September 28 and suck up eighty percent of the World oil reserves if you don’t get them off limits for burning by that time. And tell them that no crosses or garlic will help.”

“This is completely crazy,” Satoshi said. “I like it. I sure will use it in my campaign. Are you really going to come back and suck up eighty percent of the oil reserves if Buy&Hoard fails?”

“Of course I will,” Khalmorot said. “You can count on it.”

And he disappeared into thin air.

When Satoshi looked back at his computer, he found a draft blog post for Angel’s blog describing the threat of the Wise Vampire, complete with a picture showing an artistic rendition of the oil sucking vampire. All he needed to do was hit the “publish” button.

Which is exactly what he did.

Link to part 35: The Kiss Waking the Princess

Published by kflenz

Professor at Aoyama Gakuin University, Tokyo. Author of Lenz Blog (since 2003, lenzblog.com).

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