I just had the most extraordinary experience. Someone was wrong on the Internet.
Of course, that happens all the time. But while I was writing a well sourced blog post refuting that particular propaganda talking point, a new window popped up right over my WordPress editing tab, with a short message:
“Congratulations! You are the Chosen One!”
What? Damn. I must have caught a virus somewhere. I am not looking forward to the hassle of cleaning up the damage. Probably the next message would be about how the volume of my breasts is inadequate and I need to buy some herbal treatment or other to rectify that existential crisis.
The text changed. But not to a spam message, as expected.
“No, this is no spam. I’m serious. Congratulations! You are the Chosen One!”
Now I was rather puzzled. I took a look at my calender. 2013. So how could that text message react exactly to what I was thinking? I am not aware of any mind reading technology available at the begin of the 21st Century.
“Never mind,” said the text. “By the way, call me Khalmorot.”
This was getting weirder by the minute. Am I dreaming?
What is going on here?
“As I said,” Khalmorot explained, “you are the Chosen One. You just won a lottery with all seven billion humans entered.”
Sounds good, I thought. And pinched myself. I did not wake up. What kind of lottery is that? I don’t remember having bought any tickets.
“Doesn’t matter. Everybody on the planet was entered automatically. Want to know your prize?”
Yes. That does sound like a reasonable question.
“You are chosen to bring my MESSAGE to humanity. There will be a rich reward if you succeed. I will tell you right now what to write in your blog.”
No way. No one tells me what to blog. I have been blogging for ten years now. And not one single time have I allowed anyone else to post anything. Or deleted anything on request, for that matter. If I note an error, I update my blog, though.
“Are you sure?” Khalmorot asked.
Next thing I know I was screaming. Loud. But the pain was over after about twenty seconds, which was not what one would expect from looking at those articles.
“Are you sure?” Khalmorot asked again.
Okay. Resistance is futile. I strongly dislike the idea, but this Khalmorot guy has me completely under control. So what is the damn MESSAGE he wants me to post?
“It’s very simple. Have you ever thought about how humanity could be both so clever to develop modern civilization in the first place, and right at the same time so stupid to burn all the fossil fuel?”
No. I am familiar with the existential threat of global meltdown, but I never thought about that particular aspect.
“Actually, you humans are not so stupid on your own.”
You humans? Are you some kind of alien?
“Yes. We’ve been here for 300 million years. What you know as Mount Fuji is actually our spaceship, hidden under a thick layer of rock.”
That explains how he could control my computer and the pain sensations of my body. If these aliens are here since a couple of hundred million years, they must have vastly superior technology. But what does he mean, we’re not so stupid on our own?
“I have hypnotized your leaders.”
Why would you do that?
“For entertainment. Humanity is the star in my television show, the HEAT GAMES. It has the highest rating of the last 500 million years.”
So you are telling me this global warming crisis only happens so that a bunch of aliens can have a good laugh at our expense?
“Yes. Exactly. And you are now going to write that MESSAGE in your next blog post.”
But that doesn’t make sense. If you caused global warming, why would you want to warn us now?
“That’s because there is not much suspense left right now. All my viewers think you will fry the planet in a couple of decades. No one is willing to bet against that any more, which is very bad for the betting business. And it is much more fun to see you perish while you try to fight the crisis at full force.”
This is completely nuts. No one will ever believe me. I hate to post this. But then again, I didn’t like that sting, and there sure would be more of that if I refuse.
What the hell. I am going to post his MESSAGE and hope no one ever reads it.
That, in less than 1,000 words, is part of the plot of my global warming science fiction novel “Great News”, which can be found as a free PDF file here. Of course, with the space restrictions of a blog post, I was able to use only a fraction of the material in the novel. But it was still fun trying to pack in as much as possible.