Most people still don’t realize that what we think is human induced global warming is actually caused by the evil alien hypnotist Khalmorot, for the purpose of running his “heat games”.
Here is another excerpt from my recent global warming science fiction novel “Great News”, explaining the basic concept:
Back in my office, I want to get into trance and talk to the hypnotist. I really want to find out what all this is about.
The part about getting cut up with flying daggers is not exactly fun, and there is probably more of that coming up as well. But I intensely enjoy my new mind-reading super power, though at this time the only one it works on is Karen. I want to thank the hypnotist for that. But I need to know what exactly he wants from me. If I don’t know his message, there is no way I can spread it to humanity.
I concentrate on my wish to talk to him. I don’t bother with the “I am very relaxed” formula. And I am proven right. That doesn’t matter either way.
He appears in the form of a magician, holding a deck of cards in one hand and the King of Clubs in the other one. He is a young man, wearing a white suit with a bright red bow tie and a black silk cylinder hat.
“You are ready for some explanation?” he asks.
“Yes. But first I’d like to thank you for Karen. That was really very nice, just as you had announced. So what is that message I am supposed to get out?”
“It is very simple. Have you ever heard of global warming?” he asks.
“Of course I have. The planet is heating up because we burn up all the fossil fuel, releasing CO2,” I answer. That is one of the reasons I use the subway for my commute, though there are some other benefits of that as well. I am actually involved in the 350.org campaign about the issue.
“Do you think it is a serious problem?” the hypnotist asks.
“Of course it is,” I answer. “I would like to be able to do more about it. But I am rather busy at my real job. Running a successful company does take a lot of time. I do what I can, though.”
“You recall your idea for a DVD about the issue? The one with the big asteroid hitting Earth?” he asks.
“Yes, of course,” I answer. I just wrote it down the other day.
“Actually, that came from me. I have been planting that idea in your subconscious in one of our previous sessions. Of course you would not be aware of that. Now you know,” he explains.
“I see,” I answer. That explains how I came up with this rather unusual idea. I liked it, especially the fact that it was popular to start with, but I did notice that most ideas I get are rather less large scale than that one.
“That was to give you a glimpse of your future,” the hypnotist explains. “And not the very distant future, as your scientists seem to assume. They don’t really understand yet the speed with which the feedback mechanisms will kick in. It will take much more than a day, like in the asteroid hit, but much less than two decades to get the first 50 degrees Celsius in warming. You are in for a real nasty surprise there. And you are young enough to watch your civilization collapse in your lifetime,” he explains.
“So you are here to warn humanity of global warming?”
“No. Of course not. Everybody not completely stupid knows that already. All your scientists say that there is a problem that will eventually destroy civilization, except those bought off or the trolls who feed on the fame of being wrong. But they are seriously wrong on the timing. Chances are that it will take only a couple of decades from now on,” he says.
“So what is your message, then?” I ask.
“Did you ever ask yourself this simple question: How can humanity be both smart enough to develop modern civilization in the first place and dumb enough to burn all the fossil fuel?” he asks.
“Yes. Just the other day, when I was writing down the asteroid idea, I asked myself exactly that. It does seem to be a good question,” I agree.
“The answer is simple. You didn’t burn all the fossil fuel on your own. That was me causing your leaders to act in that suicidal, self-destructive way. I think it is kind of entertaining to see you burn your whole planet,” he says.
“Wow,” I think. There are some sick producers out there, in contrast to the healthy stuff I am churning out with the Paraponi Magic company. I had suspected as much when he pulled that stunt with the flying dagger on me. But this is a couple of degrees worse. He wants to destroy human civilization for his entertainment?
“Are you acting alone? What is your audience?” I ask.
“Good question. Actually, I do have an audience of a couple of hundred billion people to please. And my television show, the “Heat Games”, boasts the highest viewer numbers in our three hundred million years of history,” he answers.“ I have been in the show business for fifty million years now, but this is the greatest hit ever.”
Heat Games. So the whole global warming crisis is caused by some alien hypnotist at least fifty million years old, who runs a game show on his network, with humanity as the unwitting suicidal stars in it.
Yes. That does explain how humanity could ever be so stupid, though some of my fellow human beings might actually be able to reach that impressive level of stupidity all on their own.
“An audience of a couple of hundred billion?” I ask.
That is quite a lot. The most I ever attracted in one of my shows was about 300 people.
“Yes. Actually right now about 72 billion are watching us,” he explains.
“Wow,” I think. “I am a super star!” Then I ask: “So what is that message that you want me to get out?”
“For one, I want you to tell humanity that global warming is caused by an alien hypnotist, for the purpose of providing some entertainment in a television show,” he says.
“But no one will believe me,” I say.
“That would be unfortunate. Remember the daggers chasing you through your office? You would get much more of that sort of stuff if you fail,” he says.
“I don’t get it. If you caused global warming in the first place, why do you want me to stop it now?” I ask.
“I don’t want you to stop it. Just to change the odds a bit in your planet’s favor. People are starting to get bored with my show because everyone thinks your planet is doomed almost certainly. That is very bad for the betting business. No one is ready to bet against doom in the next couple of decades. I need you to put up at least a bit of resistance, so as to get some uncertainty and suspense back for my show,” he explains.
“Hey, I understand that,” I tell him. “I’m actually in the show business myself, though I have to admit that my scale is rather smaller than yours. Of course you need some suspense. By the way, are your cameras always watching? I mean, did you enjoy watching me talking with Karen?” I ask, suddenly remembering those rather pleasant moments.
“Yes. And no. The cameras are always watching from multiple angles. You are the Chosen One, after all. But there is not much interest in your dating scenes, so these are cut from the television show. Imagine yourself watching some 150 year old Galapagos turtles mating, very slowly, for a couple of hours, and you can understand the excitement one of our viewers would get from watching humans interacting,” he explains.
I am not sure how to feel about that. On the one hand, I like the fact that I do have some privacy left. On the other hand, my pride as a professional is hurt somewhat. Damn. There goes my chance to impress an audience of billions of aliens with my unmatched skills in flirting.
“So, you want me to get out the message to humanity that global warming is just one great show we are doing for our alien overlords. Nobody will ever believe me. But, what the hell. I’ll try anyway. Keep your flying daggers on the ground, if you please,” I say.
“Nice to see you understand,” he answers. And vanishes in the next moment.